


The next morning

by alley_oops, jennandanica



Series: Citadel: Logan Marshall-Green and KJ Apa [16]
Category: Actor RPF, Citadel (Journalfen RPG), New Zealand Actor RPF, Riverdale (TV 2017) RPF
Genre: BDSM, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-25 09:29:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18258533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alley_oops/pseuds/alley_oops, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jennandanica/pseuds/jennandanica
Summary: Logan (AU) is ex-military, ex-mercenary, mostly retired, and occasionally works for AU Tommy Flanagan who sponsored him into Citadel. He's also good friends with AU Antony Starr and Stephen Amell*. He has family money as well as his own. He struggles with PTSD. He was involved with AU Rafael Lazzini but that relationship ended roughly 10 months ago. Their storyline can be foundhere.Citadel knows Logan's past occupation(s) and current connections and they couldn't care less as long as he's not involving the organization directly in anything illegal.KJ (AU) is busy traveling the world while he tries to figure out what he wants to do with the rest of his life after having made a huge sum of money from an app he developed. He's been aged up to 31.*their storyline is posted under my name





	The next morning

**Author's Note:**

> This is a re-posting (archiving) of all logs for the Logan Marshall-Green/KJ Apa storyline in the BDSM RPS RPG [Citadel](http://citadel.dreamwidth.org/read).

When Logan wakes the next morning he knows immediately something's wrong. He wakes clear-headed, feeling fine and rested, and that's the whole problem. He never feels like that on his meds. Fuck. He cranes his head over KJ's shoulder, his lover still sleeping, to see his pills on the bedside table where he left them the night before. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," he whispers under his breath, scrambling up to sit, back against the headboard, hands covering his mouth. Jesus Christ. How could he forget? How could he be so fucking careless?

Suddenly cold, KJ rolls over and flings his arm over Logan's thighs, snuggling in close again. Shreds of a dream flow past - something about a talking reindeer - and he burrows back into deep sleep.

"Don't... I have to use the washroom," Logan says, slipping out from under KJ's arm and fleeing to the bathroom. Berating himself over and over for what could have happened.

Coming fully awake, KJ sits up. He's disoriented for a long moment but manages to shake his head clear. For a few minutes he waits for his lover to return, hearing no sounds from the bathroom. "I'm going to call and order breakfast," he eventually calls through the closed door, getting out the menu they referenced last night.

Logan doesn't answer. He sits on the rug in front of the bathtub, knees drawn up to his chest, sick to his stomach at the thought that he could have hurt KJ.

Time passes, and KJ weighs the silence against his respect for his lover's right to solitude. But eventually the worry wins out. That, and he really needs to piss. "Logan," he says, knocking softly. "You okay? Did you freeze to death?"

Logan scrubs at his face with the heel of his hand. "No, I'm okay. Stomach upset," he says, getting up and flushing the toilet before he opens the door for KJ.

"Oh, damn. I ordered some porridge, that should be easy enough on your stomach I think. Do you want me to ring them and get something else?" KJ asks, concern plain on his face.

"No, that's fine," Logan says, not meeting KJ's eyes. "I'm gonna get dressed."

"Okay." KJ slips past him into the bath. It's only as he's washing up that he really starts to wonder at the oddness of his lover's behavior; he wouldn't have thought Logan to be shy about a little stomach upset. He showers quickly, thinking over how brief a time it's been since they first met. Maybe this is simply a glimpse of Logan when he's moody.

He slips quickly into warm clothes and crosses the small cabin to put his arms around Logan's shoulders. "Can I do anything for you?"

Logan shakes his head. Fuck. "I forgot to take my meds last night," he says softly, voice barely above a whisper.

KJ thinks back to their activities of the evening and can't help but smirk a touch in memory. "Is that why your stomach's bothering you? Because you skipped your meds?" He'll have to watch out for that.

"I lied. There's nothing wrong with my stomach," Logan says, working hard to tamp down on his rising anxiety. "I just fucked up hugely. I shouldn't have forgotten to take them."

"All right." KJ pulls up a chair and sits down opposite. He's not sure what's got Logan so upset, but he wants to help if he can. "What kind of consequences are we talking about here?"

Logan looks at KJ. He thought he'd made that clear before, but obviously not. "If I freaked out? I could kill you," he says bluntly. "In my sleep, with no fucking idea I was doing it."

KJ swallows hard, watching his lover. "Okay, you could kill me in your sleep," he repeats after a moment, aware that Logan is deadly serious. "But you didn't. And tonight... tonight I'll be sure not to distract you like that. We won't make this mistake again." To him, it's that simple.

"It's not your responsibility. It's mine and I fucked up and I don't get how you can so easily accept that I did," Logan says, shaking his head. "I put you in danger."

"What do you expect me to say? It was a mistake. It happens. Okay, I get that it was a big one," KJ says, trying to understand. "But still. I have a responsibility to you as well, it's not just you. And from now on I'll make sure you get a chance to take your meds before we sleep."

"If I was a better man, I wouldn't let you take the chance," Logan says, spiralling hard, everything thrown into doubt. "I don't know what I'm doing. I don't have the right to do this to you."

"Don't have the right to do... what, exactly? Love me? The hell you don't." KJ gets down on the floor and rests his cheek on Logan's knee. "Don't count me out of this. I'll fight for you."

Logan knows he's not thinking clearly, his mind rioting, thoughts all over the place. "There's a bottle of pink pills in the upper part of my bag, in the zipped compartment. Can you bring them to me? Some water too?"

"Pink pills, zipped bag. Yes." KJ races to the wardrobe and finds the pills, not even stopping to check whether there might be other likely candidates in the zipped compartment. "Here," he says, putting the bottle in Logan's hand and pouring him a glass of water. His eyes go wide. "What the fuck did I just give you? Oh my god, Logan, what was that?"

"It's a medication for anxiety," Logan says, having swallowed two of the pills. "I don't take it very often. I don't usually need to. It kicks in really quickly." There's a knock at the door. "That's our food. Can you get it?" he asks, trying to control the shivering that's just part of his brain going haywire. Fuck. He'll be lucky if KJ wants anything to do with him after all of this.

"Yeah." KJ grabs his wallet and makes for the door. He smiles and thanks the young man who delivers their breakfast, and pushes a few bills into his hand. Closes the door and mutters, "Shit, I think I just gave that guy like 10,000 krona." Shaking his head, he pushes the food trolley out of the way and kneels by Logan again. "Hey. How are you feeling? Is it working yet?"

Logan shakes his head. "Twenty, thirty minutes. That's supposed to be fast," he says. "Can you talk to me? I don't care what you talk about, just talk, I need to focus on something..."

Of course KJ's mind instantly goes blank. "Um. Okay," he says, mentally scrambling. "A priest, a politician, and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, 'What is this, some kind of joke?'"

That's not what Logan was expecting and it takes him a moment for his brain to catch up. "Very funny," he says, the shaking lessening a little. "What about singing to me?" Aware their food's getting cold but he doesn't think he could hold a spoon right now anyway.

KJ hesitates only a moment before singing the first song that pops into his head.

_You know Love is better than a song_  
_Love is where all of us belong_  
_So don't be shy, just let your feelings roll on by_  
_And don't wear fear, or nobody will know you're there_  
_So don't be shy..._

As he sings he twines his fingers with Logan's. One Cat Stevens song flows into the next, and he puts his heart into "Trouble."

_Trouble, oh Trouble please be kind  
I don't want no fight, and I haven't got a lot of time..._

Now this is good, this is working, Logan anchoring himself with the feel of KJ's fingers, the sound of his voice, his partner here with him, seeing him through this, a thought which only makes him tear up. Fuck. He nods, "Keep going. It's getting better."

Cat changes to David Gray, which slips into Ben Harper. "Have you ever lost your way," KJ sings, "have you ever feared another day? Have you ever misplaced your mind, watching this world leaving you behind?" As he sings he meets Logan's eyes, raising their joined hands to his cheek.

Logan focuses on KJ, on his touch, on his words, on his lover's eyes and his smile, his heart slowing down, his body finally settling. "That's beautiful," he says of the last song. "What is it?"

"Ben Harper, 'Give a Man a Home.' It's one of my favorites," KJ answers. "I've always been enthralled by the idea of home being a person, not a place." Getting up, he scoots his chair next to Logan's and sits down, but doesn't let go of his lover's hand.

Logan nods, completely wrung out and yet strangely peaceful. "I was thinking yesterday how I not only love you, but I love being with you," he says softly, giving KJ's fingers a squeeze. "You get me out of my head and that's a really good thing. I'm used to only feeling that way around water."

"I'm 60% water," KJ is quick to point out, then shakes his head. "I mean, I'm glad. I'm happy I can be that for you. Everything with you is amazing."

"Really? Despite my totally freaking out on you this morning?" Logan finds it hard to believe KJ can't be thinking less of him.

"Yes. You're not a machine, Logan," KJ says, quirking a brow. "It's okay to have weaknesses."

"Maybe. I guess I'm still getting used to the idea," Logan says, and how much he's changed since his captivity. "I have a couple close friends who've gone through the same kind of thing as I have and it's weird, there's what you tell them when they're dealing with it and then your expectations of yourself. I should be kinder but it just pisses me off. I want to be better _now_."

"You are better," KJ soothes. "I mean, I don't know what you were like before, but look at yourself now. You're independent, fully functioning, in a healthy relationship..." He trails off with a smile.

Logan smiles back and leans in to give KJ a kiss. "Thank you."

"Sure," KJ says, but shakes his head, uncomfortable with the gratitude. "Do you think you can eat something now?"

"Is any of it still hot?" Logan asks, feeling badly. "Do you want to re-order?"

KJ laughs. "You know, being with you is not the rough gig you make it out to be. With the exception of this morning, I've felt absurdly pampered. Undeservedly so."

"Good, I'm glad," Logan says after a second's hesitation, resisting his instinct to question that and simply trust KJ means what he says. "I just get down on myself sometimes, especially when I've had an episode like this. It feels like I should be over things and healed completely and I get impatient with my progress when things don't go smoothly, but even that impatience is part of it."

KJ thinks that over as he stirs honey into his skyr. "What you went through... that's more than what people are normally equipped to endure. I mean... what I'm trying to say is that you must make your therapist ecstatic," he says with a gentle smile, and pours Logan a glass of juice.

"How so?" Logan asks, finding his porridge is still warm enough to eat.

"Because, I think few people would have even survived your experiences. That shows incredible mental strength," KJ says.

"That's what she says and I know you're both right," Logan admits, picking up his juice, his stomach still too unsettled to want to eat much. "But it really freaked me out that I'd relaxed so much I completely forgot to take my meds. It felt irresponsible and like I'd put you in danger."

"I get that." KJ's lips curve. "But I won't pretend I'm not happy knowing I can relax you that much." Indeed, he looks faintly smug.

Logan grins, his first full-on smile of the morning. "You did a pretty good job of calming me down too," he says. "With your singing. Next time we'll try that before going for the Tranxene."

"Maybe I should record an album of lullabies," KJ says, licking sweet skyr from his spoon. "But seriously, if we can do that instead of doping you up, that'll be awesome." His brow furrows. "How do you feel now? I mean, other than calm. Does that stuff make you woozy or anything?"

"Yeah." Logan nods. "It makes me sleepy and nauseated and sometimes it gives me headaches. I actually really hate how it makes me feel but it's better than the anxiety."

"Okay. Well, good thing we didn't have plans for today anyway. You can take a nap without it throwing us off schedule." KJ chuckles, because they've certainly been slaves to no one's idea of "schedule" so far.

"A small nap," Logan allows, pouring himself more juice and making up a cup of tea with lots of milk and sugar. The more liquids he gets into his system the faster he'll get the meds out. "I had plans for today, for you," he says with a smile.

"You did?" KJ is delighted to hear it. "What? Tell me."

"I was going to tie you to the bed, gagged," Logan explains, "and torment the hell out of you."

All the blood drains from KJ's face. "Oh," he says softly. "That's a good plan." Any second now, he'll start breathing again.

"Yeah? I brought some rope with me and I can do some quick release knots. If you pull against them, they'll hold, but if you purposely pull on the one end, they release." Just in case KJ might be having any doubts about letting Logan tie him up after this morning.

"You brought some rope with you? You really were planning," KJ says with a laugh. How about this," he suggests with a tender look for his lover. "Let's give you some time to get over these pills and sleep if you need to. Then we'll have plenty of time this afternoon for whatever you want to do."

Logan nods. "Maybe we could go into town and grab some supplies so we're not dependent on the restaurant later. I'd rather stay curled up in bed with you than have to answer the door or wait on food."

"I can do that. I can bring back my weight in pickled herring or whatever," KJ jokes. "I'll go out while you rest, is that good?"

"Sure," Logan nods again, already exhausted, adrenaline fading. "Maybe finger foods and whatever we can have without having to cook?"

"Okay. Come on, you," KJ says, getting up and holding out his hand. "Let me tuck you in. I'll feel better knowing that you're at least comfortable while I'm gone."

Logan takes KJ's hand and lets his boy pull him to his feet. "Don't be gone too long," he murmurs, getting back under the covers.

"I wouldn't," KJ whispers, brushing a kiss over his lover's mouth. Quietly he pulls on his boots and slips out the door.

Logan's not sure he'll be able to sleep, his mind still yammering at him about how stupid he was, but surprisingly enough, he's passed out before KJ even reaches the car.


End file.
